LOL

Is this where we're headed? Are there really people out there who would ACTUALLY go and name their child LOL? (Sadly, I think I know the answer to that question...)

I mean, how do you pronounce it? Lawl? Ellohell? WTF?

Next, someone's going to name their kid :) and then society will collapse.

And whoever suggested this name for this site needs to be horsewhipped for even mentioning the possibility. Some teen mom out there is going to see that and think it's perfect for her baby. Teen mom, I can assure you, it's NOT. NOT NOT NOT.

Argh.

And where did I find this? Why, failblog, of course....

La La

Yeah, this one's kind of a personal one for me, since I actually know the family of poor La La. In fact, about ten years ago La La's mom bragged to me about the names she had chosen for her kids (normal name, normal name, and La La).

It's pronounced Layla. I've been trying to figure out for ten years now why it's not SPELLED Layla. Or Leila. Or, you know, anything with no spaces and some sort of a phonetic clue. But, sadly, La La it is. I think I almost spit out my drink the first time I realized that my friend's sister's name was, in fact, spelled in perhaps the most atrocious way possible. (Luckily said friend has no idea that Baby Name Snark even exists, so I'm fairly safe from her ever reading this. It's not her fault, anyway, we both know her mom's a moonbat.)

I don't even want to think about the trouble this girl has dealt with throughout her life regarding her name. I can't even look at it without thinking of a parade of Smurfs singing "la la la la la la" and since she is a child of the 80s like me, I'm willing to bet that I am not the only one to ever think that.

Even an added H somewhere in the name might hint at the fact that La is not, in fact, pronounced like, um, the other La.

I dunno, guys. This one just really hurts my brain. I can't see the logic here at all. (Probably because there was none- like I said, I know this family pretty well). I will say that pretty much everyone who comes into contact with this name is utterly stumped until they're informed of the correct pronunciation.

Phonetic clues, y'all... they're important.

:::sigh:::

Chasidy

It's a Southern thing. And it drives me BONKERS.

Some Southerners name their little girls Chasidy. It's a bastardization of Chastity, I suppose, but to me it just seems like a stupid way to spell a name.

I mean, look, my six year old just informed me that Chasidy is a pretty name but the way you spell it is really dumb.

Anyway, Southerners have a hard time getting any respect from the rest of the country as it is, we don't need any more kids running around with misspelled names. You wouldn't name your kid Fayth (please say you wouldn't) or Howp, or Charity... so why Chasidy?

Then there's Desiree, which seems like a fine name if you want your child to grow up and be a stripper.

Oh well. It seems that the one good thing that's come out of the Madison naming trend is that the Chasidy naming trend is now over. All of the potential little Chasidys out there got to be Madysyns instead.

I haven't posted in a while, but that's a good thing!

I haven't posted in a bit because I haven't run into any absolutely atrocious baby names (and because my file folder of names to snark about got deleted somehow).

Plus, it's been a busy summer.

Today, though, I need to cheer myself up, so I'll go off on a little tangent about something I read the other day.

It turns out that most other countries prevent people from inflicting horrible name choices on their offspring. Well, okay, not most other countries, but a good few. Germany, for instance, makes you pay for the privilege of naming your kid, and if you pick a name they don't like, they'll deny the name and charge you again when you submit a new (and hopefully more sane) name.

Only, they let someone name a kid "Violence."

Good one, Germany. Way to get over that, um, violent legacy of yours.

I wonder if little Violence gets in trouble at school for hitting kids? I wonder if he gives his parents a hard time at home?

Sigh. I don't advocate laws regarding naming your kids, but I do advocate a little bit of common sense and dignity.

Bad Baby Name Consequences

Look, y'all, all of these little Codys and Maddysyns and Muffins and Jadens out there are going to grow up some day, and some of them are going to want to get into politics. When they do, they're going to encounter some of the same problems that two politicians in my area are contending with. Poor Twinkle and Young Boozer. I'm sure their parents didn't think about these things either.

What's that? Are you non-Alabamians rubbing your eyes to see if you read those names right? Oh, you did. Tinkle Andress Cavanaugh and Young Boozer are real people running for office in my area. Poor Twinkle doesn't even have a decent middle name to go by, and Young Boozer... well, he's named Young Boozer. It just doesn't get any worse than that, really.

Twinkle is running an ad campaign right now, and the first sentence asks for people to look beyond her name... her horrible, cutesy, humiliating name. I'm sure that when she was a baby it was just adorable and darling. Cute little Twinkle, how fun. Well, now she's a grown-up, and it's just not quite as cute anymore. Believe it or not, this name business is actually affecting her chances politically. This, my friends, is why we do NOT CHOOSE CUTESY NAMES around my house, and why you shouldn't choose cutesy names around yours.

And then there's Young Boozer, whose parents should have been brought up on child abuse charges. Last names are last names. There are tons of us stuck with bad ones. However, tacking on a bad first name in front of a bad last name does not make an amusing joke; rather, it makes a lifetime of embarrassment. I have actually heard people say, "I would never vote for someone named Young Boozer." They don't know if he's a Democrat, Republican, or long-lost member of the Whig Party... they see that name, that HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE NAME, and it's all over for them. It's not Young Boozer's fault that his parents were asshats, but it's certainly his problem. (And yes, Young Boozer is his actual, legal name. He's quite vocal about this, as if to say, "Well, what can you do?")

Kids grow up. They're not pets. They're not dolls. They don't need cute and adorable names. They need names that can represent them throughout their lifetime. They need names with dignity and strength. They do not need made-up names, or joke names, or names that should belong to a cat. Jayden, Bladen, Grayden, Stormy, IaKaeia, Brytni, Tyffyny, Mattysin, and Lunden are all going to grow up someday, and they're not going to appreciate their cute little monikers when they do.

(I wonder if Young Boozer drinks a lot... but I'm pretty sure Twinkle doesn't twinkle. Unless she's wearing sequins. Or strobe lights. Bye now...)

Aerial

Aerial. It can be an adjective- "We took some aerial photography" or a noun- "She did an aerial in gymnastics".

Evidently, it can also be a first name.

I don't have any problem with Ariel as a first name. Sure, it was originally masculine, and I have issues with the angelic type names, but MY kid is named after The Little Mermaid, too, so I really can't say anything there. (No, it's not Ariel. Or Triton. Or Ursula.) But...Aerial? I mean, if you must misspell the name, couldn't you misspell it in a way that doesn't suggest another word?

Meh. Evidently not, for Aerial's parents. Maybe she'll grow up to be a gymnast or a photographer.

My, it's been awhile

Nothing struck my fancy until just now, when I found the name Amberly.

Amber is NOT a word that can be made into an adverb. You cannot have an amberly woman living in an amberly neighborhood. If you absolutely must name your child Amberly, how about a different ending? Amberlee is acceptable, as is Amberleigh or even Amberlie. (Well, no, that last looks pretty stupid, too.) Amberly, however, evokes this sentence in my head: Oh, how very Amberly of her! Then it pisses me off because even in my head, it doesn't make any effing sense.

Can we not just stop at Amber and have done with it?

it's cutesification and we shall not stand for it! WE SHALL OVERCOME!

Laken

I got this one off the back of a minivan, from one of those stickers that advertises every member of the family.

Like this:


Ahh... I love that sticker.

Anyway, this poor mite is named Laken, and as usual, I tried to follow the thought process of the adult who did the naming.

(You know it's a bad name when your spell checker objects, by the way.)

So maybe it's someone who didn't quite want to follow the Jayden trend. Commendable.

Then, perhaps, they thought of the Jayden alternative, Kalen.

(Always makes me think of kale, than name...)

So I suppose that they thought perhaps Kalen was slightly too trendy. The obvious thing to do, to them, was to switch the K and L around. Taa-daa! It's not Jayden, it's not Kalen, but it's just as frickin' stupid. Although I'm sure the parents gave themselves quite a pat on the back for cuteness and originality.

Or am I barking up the wrong tree here... is it pronounced a totally different way? Is it not lay'ken, after all, but rather la-ken'? God, that would be even worse. Laken doll. Heh.

Well, Laken with a long A is bad... Laken with a short A is much, much worse. I hope young Laken got off lightly (relatively) and got the long A.

And remember, people, creative spellings will cause creative pronunciations. Keep this in mind.

(I hope this kid's mother doesn't read my blog and start beating me over the head in the grocery store or something. I gotta find some bad names that are from out of the area.)

What a smurfing stupid smurf.

It's been awhile- things have been crazy here.

Fortunately, my daughter's school has sent me a school directory full of fodder, so I'll happily jump right in with the first atrocity that jumped out at me:

Azrael.

Because I guess someone's parents never watched The Smurfs.

He's got an average, ordinary, American-sounding last name, so they can't plead ignorance due to foreign customs (although they may plea insanity).

Maybe the parents were really young, and somehow slipped in the cracks between The Smurfs being on tv all the time and, well, The Smurfs being on tv all the time. I don't know.

Now, anything with "el" at the end is usually an angelic name (Michael, Uriel, Gabriel) and so we can conjecture that perhaps the parents were just trying for a unique angelic name, since Michael and Gabriel are so common and Ariel is now mostly a girl's name. (I can't say anything here, I named my son after The Little Mermaid, too. Just not, you know, Ariel.) Anyway, if they wanted to name the kid after an angel, I'm just saying that there are better angelic names out there (all of them).

I guess it could have been worse... the poor kid could have been named "Gargamel".

D'Brickashaw

The husband and I were watching football last night when suddenly a D'Brickashaw appeared, causing us to hunt frantically for the remote that doesn't exist for the DVR that doesn't work for the service we no longer have in order to STOP THE DAMN BALL GAME long enough to go, Shit, is his name really D'Brickashaw? Turns out that yes, indeed, that man's name is D'Brickashaw.

D'BRICKASHAW.

My god, but it's fun to say. It's a mouthful. It trips lightly past the tongue. But D'Brickashaw? Seriously?? I know people like to try to be unique, and D'Brickashaw certainly wins in at least that category (although sadly lacking in the Good Sensible Names category) but it is rather a mouthful, and upon examining its origins I am sadly confounded.

Did Mom and Dad look tenderly at Mom's growing belly and think, "Well, we like to say Brick, let's find a way to add to that. Brickshaw! Hmm... not enough. D'Brickshaw? Missing something. I know, I know... D'BrickAshaw! There's our winner!" It truly boggles the mind. I mean it. I'm boggled.

I also confess that I evilly love it. I will find a way to use this name. I'll name my bike D'Brickashaw, perhaps, or maybe the toaster. (In this house, we name our inanimate objects.) Hmmm... did it some from some word play with the term "rickshaw" perhaps? Or am I stretching too hard, trying to find a reason where no reason exists?

D'Brickashaw. I feel like Jo from Little Men, who named her dog Christopher Columbus just because she liked to say it. D'Brickashaw!

Kenyan

I only overheard this one. I don't know how they spell it. Maybe it's Kenyon. Or Kynyn. Or some other bastardization. Who knows.

Anyway, the kid in question was a little blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl. Definitely not from the country of Kenya, if you get my drift here. I mean, would you take a little African kid from Zaire and name him Belgian? How about a little Chinese kid named Colombian? Or an Australian named Iraqi?

I know, I know. They didn't really mean to name their kid something that suggests an African origin. They were just trying to be cute.

CLASSICAL NAMES EXIST FOR REASONS. One of them is to save people from their own ignorance.