Pop Culture

I'm so sorry for this kid that I am going to make her name invisible to search engines.

Bell. Atriks. Cora. Line.

Look, I gave a passing thought to naming my kid Hermione, before I realized that it's actually a horrible name and that I shouldn't inflict it upon any child, regardless of how much I love Harry Potter. I love the fact that so many people are naming their kids Lily after the book, though. Lily is an awesome and lovely name, and if I didn't personally know 5 people with kids named Lily or Lilly, I would totally use it of we have another girl.

But Bellatrix? Really? You named your kid after Bellatrix Lestrange and you didn't even spell it right? And then, because naming your kid a bastardization of the second baddest baddie in Harry Potter wasn't quite goth enough for you, you had to add CORALINE? Are you so goth you shit bats and black leather, or what? If it had been a boy, would his name have been Voldemort Sandman? Pettigrew Crawley? Or would you have just pulled out all the stops and named him Peter Murphy Neil Gaiman Dracula Voldemort Death Black Morbid? And Coraline... yeah, it's a pretty name, but the movie is kind of disturbing, don't you think? I mean, is this kid gonna spend the rest of her life wondering if she has an Other Mother and Other Father somewhere with button eyes? And it's not ever going to fade from public consciousness. Coraline might, a little bit, but Harry Potter isn't going anywhere. People are going to be reading that one until the collapse of civilization. Bellatrix Lestrange wasn't exactly a lovable character. She was kind of nasty, with the nasty hair and the racism thing and the penchant for, you know, killing people. But you just go on and saddle your kid with that name for the rest of her life. When she's a teenager wearing all black, mainlining coffee, writing bad poetry, and hiding in the closet to cut herself, you just remember that you asked for this.

(Reminder: This website is a work of satire, so no one try to sue me over this post.)

Cullen

I need you to help me organize a posse.

We're going to track down this newborn's father, and we're going to take away his man card.

Who's with me?

I like Twilight and I'm not ashamed to admit it, but here's the deal; naming your kid after momentary pop culture icons is just maybe not the best idea ever. For instance, I'm not going to run out and get a Jacob tattoo (although I do have a wolf on my ankle, he is named after Cafall from The Grey King and can in no way be tied in to Twilight). Yesterday I considered a Fluttershy tattoo, but the pony/brony phenomenon will probably be fleeting, and will I really want that when I'm 90?

It's the same thing. When this kid gets to be a teenager and his friends find out he's named after Twilight, well... let's just go get than man card from his dad so the poor kid can have two when he grows up.

He'll need them.