Monday, May 17, 2010

Bad Baby Name Consequences

Look, y'all, all of these little Codys and Maddysyns and Muffins and Jadens out there are going to grow up some day, and some of them are going to want to get into politics. When they do, they're going to encounter some of the same problems that two politicians in my area are contending with. Poor Twinkle and Young Boozer. I'm sure their parents didn't think about these things either.

What's that? Are you non-Alabamians rubbing your eyes to see if you read those names right? Oh, you did. Tinkle Andress Cavanaugh and Young Boozer are real people running for office in my area. Poor Twinkle doesn't even have a decent middle name to go by, and Young Boozer... well, he's named Young Boozer. It just doesn't get any worse than that, really.

Twinkle is running an ad campaign right now, and the first sentence asks for people to look beyond her name... her horrible, cutesy, humiliating name. I'm sure that when she was a baby it was just adorable and darling. Cute little Twinkle, how fun. Well, now she's a grown-up, and it's just not quite as cute anymore. Believe it or not, this name business is actually affecting her chances politically. This, my friends, is why we do NOT CHOOSE CUTESY NAMES around my house, and why you shouldn't choose cutesy names around yours.

And then there's Young Boozer, whose parents should have been brought up on child abuse charges. Last names are last names. There are tons of us stuck with bad ones. However, tacking on a bad first name in front of a bad last name does not make an amusing joke; rather, it makes a lifetime of embarrassment. I have actually heard people say, "I would never vote for someone named Young Boozer." They don't know if he's a Democrat, Republican, or long-lost member of the Whig Party... they see that name, that HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE NAME, and it's all over for them. It's not Young Boozer's fault that his parents were asshats, but it's certainly his problem. (And yes, Young Boozer is his actual, legal name. He's quite vocal about this, as if to say, "Well, what can you do?")

Kids grow up. They're not pets. They're not dolls. They don't need cute and adorable names. They need names that can represent them throughout their lifetime. They need names with dignity and strength. They do not need made-up names, or joke names, or names that should belong to a cat. Jayden, Bladen, Grayden, Stormy, IaKaeia, Brytni, Tyffyny, Mattysin, and Lunden are all going to grow up someday, and they're not going to appreciate their cute little monikers when they do.

(I wonder if Young Boozer drinks a lot... but I'm pretty sure Twinkle doesn't twinkle. Unless she's wearing sequins. Or strobe lights. Bye now...)

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