Wednesday, November 18, 2009

If It Doesn't Have Floppy Ears And A Tail, Don't Name It Rocket

I'm back... it's been a hectic few days, but I've had more bad baby names stewing in my head. Today, specifically, I'm going to focus on people who give dog names to their babies.

You know what I mean. Rainy. Apple. Rocket. Fury. These are names that are far more appropriate to some sort of furry quadruped than they are to your adorable little baby, who by the way is going to someday be old and grizzled and probably ashamed of that oh-so-cutesy name.

(I just can't say it enough, people; these kids are going to grow up and out of their cute little baby names. KEEP THIS IN MIND.)

Here are a few notable pet-like baby names I have come across personally in my time:

Rainy and Breezy, two sisters. It was the first time I had ever seen adverbs used as baby names. I was appalled.

Chaos and Fury, two brothers. What I wanted to tell their mother was this: "Just because you consider yourself to be a freak, and have a neck tattoo and gauged-out earrings, and in your mind you're just terribly cool, is no reason to saddle your kids with horrible horse-names."

Rocket as a middle name. Having it as a middle name makes it NO BETTER. A friend of mine in high school had Star as a middle name, and even this agonized her to the point where she begged the DOT not to put it on her driver's license.

And of course then there's Apple. It's cute and all, but really, is there any other kid out there named for food?

Ugh. Cute is for baby clothes, not baby names. If you must use a cutesy name, how about using one of those old fashioned things called "nicknames"? If you think that Rocket is just the best name ever for a kid, let that kid retain his dignity and name him Robert. Call him Rocket at home for the rest of his life, but allow him to conduct his professional affairs without anyone else knowing about it.

Better yet, confine noun names to your dogs...

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