Monday, November 23, 2009

Pick A Reason To Slap This Woman

I can think of several. Basically, this lady in Britian who can't afford kids has 13 and one more on the way.

Normally I'm all about people who choose to have big families. I wanted a huge family myself, but it doesn't look like things are going to work out that way. This lady lives in a 3-bedroom house, though, and her husband makes very little money.

But that's not why we're here today. We're not here to snark at her large household, or her lack of money, or her earnest desire to have twins.

We're here to snark at the godawful names she's given her children.

Let's run down the list:

Patrick: Nothing wrong here. Unless you're like me and have a personal gripe with the man who drove the pagans out of Ireland. But that's just me.

Stephen: Nothing to see here, move along.

Malachi: Eh, well, it's England and they have different names over there.

Peppermint: PEPPERMINT? Are you SH*TTING ME? Why not just name her Stripper Who Will Get Knocked Up at 16? Do you WANT men to visualize your teenage daughter as a lickable candy? Do you WANT to traumatize your daughter by giving her aname no one is able to take seriously? If she was born at Christmas, which is my theory here, why not name her Holly or Natalie, not friggin PEPPERMINT.

Echo: Time-honored hippy name. I might have snarked a bit more if I didn't have some good ones further down the list. I will say that I for one don't want my child to think of herself as an echo of anyone or anything else, though.

Eli: Nothing wrong here. Lady, you obviously have SOME sense in choosing names, did you just go batsh*t crazy for the others? Like poor little:

Rogue: I see you're a comic book fan. I like comic books, too. I won't be naming my kids after fictional comic book characters , though, or even after Tolkien, like poor little:

Frodo: No. No no no no no. Frodo is just a horrible, ugly name... that's why no one ever uses it, even though he's one of the top fictional characters ever. Looks like, oh, EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD has a little more sense than this lady.

Morpheus: :::headdesk::: In civilized society today, it's generally understood that if you MUST name a child after The Matrix, you confine yourself to "Trinity". We do NOT use Morpheus.

Artemis: I see you're having a flirtation with Greek mythology here, what with Morpheus (also the god of dreams) and now Artemis. You couldn't have just went with Diana? Too simple for your tastes?

Blackbird: This goes back to my earlier post about the difference between pet names and baby names. "Blackbird" is not a baby name. I'm not a big fan of the name Raven (Let's name our kid after a carrion-eater!) but even that would be preferable to Blackbird.

Baudelaire: Yeah, give your Brit kid a French name. I'm sure that'll go over well for the rest of his life.

And finally, little Voorhees.


I'm tempted to think that this name comes from Jason Voorhess, but I don't want to think that. I want to think that there's some perfectly good, logical reason for naming the kid Voorhees. Of course, most of the other baby names that came from this woman showed very little logic, or even thought of any kind, so I can't be sure that the kid isn't named after the Friday the 13th movies.

So, out of all the reasons to slap this woman, Voorhees is the one I pick. How about you?

1 comment:

  1. I know this is an older post, but I stumbled on your blog today and haven't been able to stop reading. This post made me stop in my tracks and remember a good friend of mine from high school. His name was Joe (not Joseph, just Joe) and he was super sweet. He has an older brother, who was a football star, named... wait for it... Superman.

    Yes, Mama B named her sons Superman and Joe.